1. Should I forgive someone if they never repented to me?

Yes and no.

Yes, in the sense that forgiveness is about you letting go of your bitterness and anger towards the person who hurt you. You can do that with or without the offender’s involvement. This is called an internal disposition of forgiveness. To have this disposition means you are willing to forgive, and being willing to forgive is, in its way, forgiveness.

No, in the sense of the outward extension of forgiveness. Jesus says, “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.” (Lule 17:3). This means that the transaction of forgiveness – where forgiveness is given and then received cannot be completed if a person does not repent. In this sense, you cannot and should not forgive a person unwilling to repent. This can lead to enabling, which is more detrimental to the person than conditionally extending the offer of forgiveness.

2. If I choose not to be reconciled with the person who has offended me, does it mean I have not forgiven them?

Forgiveness is given, but trust is earned. Since reconciliation is built on trust, and it takes time to develop trust, then it is possible to forgive without being 100 percent reconciled. However, a genuinely forgiving person will be open to complete reconciliation if possible. As trust is regained, forgiveness does not eliminate the need for boundaries. At the same time, a genuinely forgiving person will not completely erect a wall.

3. Is self-forgiveness biblical? Is there such a thing as forgiving yourself?

People who say self-forgiveness is not biblical say that the Bible never teaches us to forgive ourselves.

Instead, it teaches us to receive God’s forgiveness. While this is technically true, it misses the point of what people are saying.

When people say they are trying to forgive themselves, what they mean is that they are trying to let go of their regret, resentment, and anger for themselves for the mistakes they made.

In this loose sense, yes, we are called to forgive ourselves. The Bible says, “we are to forget the things behind us” (Phil. 3:13).

This “forgetting” includes letting go of our anger towards ourselves for our past mistakes.

Here is how to combine both ideas. God’s forgiveness is to serve as the foundation for our self-forgiveness. In other words, if God is willing to forgive us, how much more then should we be willing to forgive ourselves?

Holding on to self-resentment in the face of God’s forgiveness can represent a lack of appreciation for God’s forgiveness.

It can also mean that you are holding yourself as a higher judge to yourself than God, which is a form of pride masqueraded as self-pity.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is a complex topic with several layers. It requires spiritual clarity, discernment, and strength to do it properly, don’t go at it without divine help!

Are you trusting Jesus to help you forgive?