1. Tell your story to identify your points of pain. The truth is you can’t heal from something you’re unaware of. Telling your story helps you pinpoint your areas of hurt. Writing, drawing, or verbalizing it to someone or a group will release negative emotions.
2. Feel and embrace the pain. As you tell your story, you will feel emotional pain rise again with full force. Don’t repress the pain; acknowledge, embrace it, and remind yourself that admitting hurt is acceptable.
3. Ask God for his comfort. As you embrace your pain, don’t remain in it. Talk to God and ask him to bless you with his comfort. Ask him to provide mental and emotional relief to your pain. Spend time in his presence, and trust that he will heal your broken heart.
4. Experience Gethsemane. At this step, ask God to show you how you are just like the person who hurt you so that your forgiveness does not come from a position of superiority. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus began the process of taking on our sins to heal us. In a real way, he became more like us before forgiving us. In the same way, we must realize how much we are like others to help us forgive others.
5. Ask God for a change of heart. Ask God to change your emotions, attitude, and thoughts toward the person who hurt you. Then believe he will answer your request for it according to his will. Don’t pray once; persist in the process.
6. Decide to forgive. Write this decision down, where possible, and if necessary, share it with the person who hurt you; verbalize this decision to yourself, and remind yourself of it if necessary. When asked by others how you feel towards the person, make it clear that you have forgiven the person.
7. Pray for God’s most remarkable and choicest blessings on whoever hurt you. This prayer further opens your heart to the person.
8. Seek reconciliation with the person who hurt you. The person may not be open to it, but at least your heart should be open.
9. Establish healthy boundaries. The sad reality is that some people are toxic and not safe. Expressing what you are and unwilling to tolerate in the future is essential to growth. As Dr. Phil says, “We teach people how to treat us.” We don’t have to be aggressive about it, but we don’t have to be doormats. We can be firm and assertive, like Jesus. Finally, letting go of our negative past also means forgetting the mistakes we made in the past. The way to do so is to acknowledge that we made a mistake, accept the possible consequences, learn from our mistakes, incorporate its lessons into our present, make amends with anyone we have hurt, and remind ourselves that God’s grace is sufficient for us.
These nine steps are adapted from the book “Cleansing the Sanctuary of the Heart: Tools for Emotional Healing” by David and Beverly Sedlacek.
